


Falling so hard

by Winga



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: It jumps in time, M/M, Post-Reichenbach so kinda character death?, Thoughts about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-19
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winga/pseuds/Winga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John fell hard for Sherlock (in love). Sherlock fell hard for John (on the ground).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John fell so hard for Sherlock (in love)

When it began, John had been denying it. From himself, mostly, because he knew it was impossible. He tried to make others see how impossible it was with his protests, but all that did was to make them think even more that it was true and they were to be.

When the world for him ended, John was staring at the body in front of him and trying not to cry out at the cruelty of the world.

**

It began on the first week. John found Sarah to stop it, to make it go away. Sarah was a distraction, but she didn't last long. Neither did the following women.

At some point he decided to give up. Or at several points but then he found a woman who _probablymaybepossibly_ could make it disappear.

Never did.

Sherlock was the only constant thing in his life (along with criminals, Scotland Yard and kidnappings) and his heart fell for Sherlock too soon, not even giving any chances for others. Married to my work was why he never said anything.

(Sometimes he thought Sherlock knew, how could the _brilliantamazing_ man not know something that everyone else saw so clearly even when he tried his best not to show it? Sometimes he thought Sherlock had no idea, maybe because he was too close to see inside him as well as anyone he didn't know at all.)

**

When Sherlock jumped, John's heart jumped into his throat, trying to escape through his mouth. He didn't want to see this, didn't want to know, because his heart would break into thousands of pieces if it didn't manage to run away.

When John fell, the only thing he could think of was _pleasedon'tbedead_ and he got up as soon as he could, running, **running** towards Sherlock and when he saw the man lying there, dead, his heart broke into so many pieces he was sure no one could fix it (except Sherlock would be able but he was dead and that was too much for his brain).

**

John was in love. He accepted that (really accepted) a week before Sherlock would jump (but of course he didn't know this, nor did Sherlock).

He was wondering how to go about it, knowing telling Sherlock wasn't really an option. (The other man would only laugh at him, he thought, wouldn't take him seriously.)

In the end, he didn't do anything, he just lived as he'd always lived, following Sherlock, listening to people stating as an obvious fact that they must be dating, writing his blog (trying to avoid _you are so amazing so brilliant_ because he was afraid he would continue _I'm in love with you please tell me you feel the same_ ).

**

The first months were the most horrible. John's heart kept breaking into pieces, smaller and smaller, until he was sure he didn't have a heart anymore ( _but that's absurd, John, everyone has a heart and it doesn't break_ his mind provided and he thanked it _I know but you know what I mean_ ).

He kept going to work, meeting people. Talking with Harry.

But life was colourless, because he'd fallen too hard.

**

At some point of their acquaintance come friendship, John had realised that Sherlock liked being close to people. But most people ignored him or moved away. He made an effort not to (even though something in him was saying _you like this don't deny it you really do_ and he tried his best not to listen) and suddenly they were watching movies together on the couch, Sherlock's head on his lap, shouting at the obvious plot.

Something in John had decided this was all good.

(One of his relationships ended because the woman kept seeing glimpses of their life at home and thought she was taken for a fool, used to make Sherlock jealous.)

**

After six months, John is no more.

He's alive and he moves, goes where he's expected and does what people wait from him. Says the things that are expected from him.

But he doesn't _feel_ anymore. He doesn't believe in world where one man can ruin another so _completely_ and make him die. He doesn't want to live in one, either, but Mycroft keeps an eye on him and so does Molly and Greg and Mrs. Hudson, that ending that life isn't really an option.

(He takes the gun out once a week, on Monday morning, points it at his head and whispers _just one more week and maybe then he'll be back or I'll be dead_.)

**

Sometimes, when they were solving cases somewhere else than London, they got a room with two beds. And sometimes, they were given a room with one bed. They took one look at it, then at each other, shrugged and left for the chase. When they came back, they were too tired to care and fell on the bed.

It was quite nice.

(John sometimes woke up into Sherlock's limbs and thought he could get used to it.)

**

One-year anniversary of Sherlock's fall and John is drinking. He's on his second pint, thinking how useless he is to world and how he misses Sherlock and his deductions. Everything.

He's deep in thoughts when he realises that someone has sat down at his table.

“Hello, John.”

Colours seem to flood back to world and feelings into John when he punches Sherlock.

**

Once, John had nearly kissed Sherlock. It'd been Bill's birthday and John had been drinking a bit more than he'd meant to. Sherlock had been up with an experiment (John didn't dare to ask what it was) when he came in and he'd looked delicious.

Sherlock had walked to him, took one look at him, and told him drinking wasn't useful. John had huffed and taken his coat off, tumbled on the floor and cursed. Sherlock had rolled his eyes smiling and helped John up.

And John had almost kissed him before he'd started moving, helping him to his room.

“To bed with you,” Sherlock had said. “Try not to vomit.”

John had stared after him and wondered what was wrong with him. ( _Nothing_ insisted the voice inside him.)

**

Angry or not, John was happy that Sherlock had come back. Brought everything back to him. He listened to the taller man explain why he'd done what he'd done and he'd just called him an idiot multiple times (and this was only on the way to Baker Street, Sherlock murmuring in his ear and John trying not to shiver).

When the door closed behind them, John closed his eyes only for a moment before listening to what his heart was saying (his mending heart, the one that would be whole soon again) and turned to face Sherlock.

John took Sherlock by surprise with the kiss.

( _Do it do it do it do it_ his heart kept saying, over and over again as the pieces collided and combined. _You will regret it if you don't and you will break me again_.)


	2. Sherlock fell hard for John (on the ground)

Sherlock knows, the moment he lays eyes on John, that he'll have to make sure John will stay alive. He doesn't know why.

He feels a connection, feels that someone is pulling them together, and it takes six months for him to understand what falling feels like.

(That's why he's ready for it when Moriarty tells him to jump.)

**

He didn't really have friends when he was younger. Sure, there had been Victor, but somehow they had drifted apart. So when John appeared and didn't show any signs of leaving, Sherlock felt like something had clicked inside him.

And it horrified him.

**

Sherlock watches. He looks, observes, John, when he runs to the body. ( _Please Mycroft help me make a duplicate_ he said and Mycroft replied _I already have one_. _Please Molly help me fake my death_ he said and Molly replied _I already have your brother asked me_.)

John seems so broken and Sherlock can't look any longer (but he can't really tear his eyes away, because John was the reason he stayed alive and the reason he faked his death).

He mouths _I'm so sorry_ and turns to leave because if he stays, he'll just ruin everything by walking up to John and telling him _I'm alive I really am that is just a clonedollsomething that Mycroft made._

**

At some point Sherlock had realised he didn't like John's girlfriends and was that jealousy he was feeling? He made a point of being rude to them (which John thought was just his normal behaviour) and most of them left when they realised John wasn't completely theirs.

All the women and their silly ideas that John would want a boring domestic life (John didn't obviously know what he wanted because he still pursued relationships with those women). Sherlock thought that he might have been able to let John go, if he'd found a woman who wasn't boring but complimented John and gave him what he needed.

(Though a part in him was whispering _don't lie to yourself you always search the truth why would lies be okay now_ and he silenced them down.)

**

Sherlock is alone in a hotel room and staring at John's blog (Mycroft had said _he will break_ but he hadn't wanted to believe) and wondering how John is managing and if he guesses his password, will there be updates that are meant for only John's eyes.

There's only a bed and the laptop and a few pieces of clothing and a gun in the room because he has to travel lightly and use as little money as possible. He misses John but he has to do this to make sure no one threatens John's life anymore because _what would I do without my blogger_ , that's why.

(He never really tries to guess John's password because he doesn't want to know.)

**

When John decided that it was okay for Sherlock to ignore personal space ( _mine not others' they might not like it_ ), he took the most of it, trying to be normal. Sometimes he stood behind John (not touching but only barely) reading what the man was writing on the computer, making John jump a little when he realised that Sherlock was there.

Sometimes he touched John's arm, shoulder, neck, when he kept pouring out his deductions and John's breathing stopped. He let go, fearing he had crossed a line, and continued with the deductions, telling John exactly what had happened and how and then leading him to a chase that sometimes was worse than either of them had anticipated and they were panting at some corner, guns aimed at their direction. ( _Don't shoot him don't I can't manage without him anymore_ Sherlock's heart was crying but his mouth was shut and brain told the heart _shut up shut up **shut up**_.)

Afterwards they collapsed on their beds or sometimes on the sofa and Sherlock's head was in John's lap and John's hand was in Sherlock's hair and Sherlock had to try hard not to purr.

**

He still keeps tabs on John and sometimes he visits his grave (staying unseen) when John does and when he hears John speak, he lets his heart break a little and recites in his head _caring is not an advantage_ but nothing inside him will believe it.

He has caught most of Moriarty's henchmen by now but he can't, he still has to stay dead because there's still Moran and that's the man he wants to, no, needs to kill.

Because Moran was going to kill John.

**

At some point Sherlock had realised that falling hurt when there was no possibility for feelings from John (the others must have been blind not to see it and didn't John keep dating a string of women, too?) and when Moriarty began talking about a game, Sherlock understood he would have to fall again.

( _Falling's just like flying except there's a more permanent destination_ Moriarty's voice kept saying in his head and he wondered if that had meant the jump or)

**

When Sherlock finally reaches Moran, he's without a gun. _I will kill you with my bare hands_ his posture says and his heart agrees and brain.

Moran is surprised because he had thought it was over for him (he's just a sniper, he's paid for shooting people) and he was on a holiday, well deserved, with money he had got Moriarty. He really didn't need to see a ghost come and ruin it all.

Sherlock doesn't quite remember what happens then.

Soon Moran is dead in his own blood and when Sherlock looks into a mirror, he sees his clothes are bloody. He goes through Moran's clothes to find something to wear before leaving to catch the next flight back to London.

**

Sometimes Sherlock thought he saw something in the way John looked at him or the way he turned away when John caught him looking, but he usually deleted it. Because.

Mycroft could be wrong, couldn't he?

**

Walking into the bar he's seen John go some time ago, he wonders how it will be. And he's prepared for a punch, for punches. He sits down to John's table and waits for him to notice someone there before

“Hello John.”

And there's the familiar glint in John's eyes when his fist connects with Sherlock's jaw and Sherlock grins.

“Let's go home,” he suggests and John nods _alright_ and follows Sherlock, who begins whispering the previous year into his ear and John doesn't mind, doesn't mind that he's forgotten personal space, _again_ , with him.

And when John kisses him, his mind spins and he's shocked and deliriously happy and _I said so_ Mycroft's voice says.

(His heart is singing with joy and he knows or hopes the future to be bright.)


	3. Falling together

The kiss leads to the talk (though days slip by before either of them wants to talk) which leads to the choice _to be or not to be_.

John says _I understand if you don't want a relationship_ and Sherlock says _I understand if that was only adrenaline_ and their thoughts collide when they say them out loud at the same moment. They stare at each other like they're seeing each other for the first time and John starts laughing and Sherlock starts laughing.

They pull themselves together. Together.

The answer is _to be_ but was there really any other option, ever?

**

The nights and mornings before the talk go like this:

Sherlock wakes up and looks around, as if waiting for it to have been a dream. Then the ache settles and he realises he's at 221B Baker Street. First morning he runs to find John

only to collide with him, because John has woken up too, and he needs to make sure Sherlock is real and that his dreams haven't betrayed it.

The second night they spend on the couch, waking up to the feeling of someone pressed against them and sighing when they realise who it is and that it is still true.

The third night they find themselves in Sherlock's bed because it's much more comfortable than the sofa and they still need to know the other is alive to believe it. Because it's hard when for a long time, you wake up, to an empty apartment, and let your heart break a little more.

The fourth night they find themselves in John's bed because it's just normal to try that too, when they've already slept in Sherlock's. In the morning they feel delirious and they kiss like there is no tomorrow and they are entangled, not wanting to get up because

what if this won't last?

The fifth night they spend in their own beds, believing they will believe and that it's all over. Which leads to the talk.

**

When the words are out and their laughter (finally) dies, they stare at each other, Sherlock asking (wordlessly) _do you mean what I think you mean_ and John saying (with the way he stands) _you can't be serious_.

They have always been the worst at figuring each other out, anyway. Or wanting to believe the obvious clues, because they themselves didn't catch the signs first and it's hard to believe outsiders to tell you what's actually true, because Sherlock wants to solve it and John has always thought he knew how to read others' feelings (about himself).

So now they (finally) have the conversation, even if it is without words, even if it's in the way John cocks his head, or how Sherlock touches John's arm or how John leans into the touch and _looks_ at Sherlock, _please tell me it's not over_.

**

The days before the talk go like this:

They stay that much closer to each other all the time, and they look for approval in the other's eyes when they touch (accidentally) and they lie on the couch, watching mindless soaps to be able to just be and they look into each other's eyes when they can.

And when they eat (order food John cooks food _Sherlock_ makes food), they feed each other, like they were madly in love and had just realised it (which, inside, they have, even if their brain has yet to catch on).

When the other one goes to the toilet or the shower, the other one follows, stays behind the door (or in the room when they shower, sometimes under the water, washing the other).

Once, they go shopping, and this is the moment when John stares at Sherlock even more than he usually does, because Sherlock is _shopping_ with him and isn't that odd? (Milk and beans and pizza and other stuff they need.)

Sometimes they just lay on bed, together, in silence, listening to the heartbeat of the one next to them.

They don't speak much.

**

The talk takes a new step when Sherlock slips out four words _I fell for you_ and John asks him _Moriarty or love_ and Sherlock says _both_.

And suddenly John is attacking (Sherlock['s lips]).

They walk back to the couch because it's the closest, John glued to Sherlock and Sherlock holding John tightly, pulling him closer even though it isn't really possible. Sherlock falls back, first, John falls with him, on him and they surround each other like air.

 _I fell for you_ John says and Sherlock pushes him back to stare into his eyes. _In love that is_ John continues and Sherlock keeps staring at him, or trying to, when John closes his lips on Sherlock's, again, and that is how it should be.

Sherlock closes his eyes to savour John and he feels like he's falling even deeper than before and he wonders (nearly asks) if John feels the same (he does).

**

 _We'll fall together_ John tells Sherlock later.

Sherlock nods and repeats _we'll fall together_.

And they do.


End file.
